Α10. The intended reproduction of misery reveals Truth.
Having been convinced of the necessity to continue his course with unreduced velocity, the mind musters up his forces, stands up slothfully and starts moving forward. To overcome numbness, he needs to move; therefore, he reminds himself at which point he had stopped. He bows again into the heart, the perfect resonator, and in her quietness he perceives the first “random”  association which emerges from the past.
He hears the word “injustice” and soon remembers the times when he was wronged by “immature, egocentric, parochial and compassionless” brothers. He remembers the rage he had felt each time separately, how much his eyes suffered pain deep inside their orbits, how his throat tightened and was filled up with bitterness and, above all, the anger for the weakness of the self who fell again into the trap of rage, self-pity and self-condemnation.
He takes pen and paper in his hand, formulates a makeshift table with rows and columns and writes down in there all acts of injustice he can now remember which were committed to his disadvantage within the years of his current earthly lifetime.
Each row of the table refers to an incident of injustice. In the first column he writes the name of the brother or sister who wronged him. In the second one he describes the exact way in which the act of injustice was committed. In the third one he notes how much money he lost or which other material or moral damage caused this injustice to the mind. In the fourth one he reports how he felt for the unfair brother and what kind of revenge he took or wanted to take.
In the fifth column he states whether he has overcome it or still hates him and in the sixth one he transcends decisively his familiar boundaries and takes the trouble to put himself mentally in the shoes of the brother who wronged him and understand which unredeemed anguish lead him to the unfair act; in this way, the mind anticipates to understand at last that there was nothing personal against him and that he simply happened in this circumstance to become the victim of a brother victor, who for his own psychological reasons without even knowing was looking for a victim, thinking incorrectly that by this he would free himself from his anguishes.
The creation of this table is for the mind an unaffected instantaneous inspiration, an inspiration which cropped up spontaneously by his long for liberation. He anticipates that it will reasonably help him to make things clear in himself, as he is going to lay all of them flat on the paper and place them inside the proper table cells, which, willy-nilly, cannot leave anything concealed or unclear.
So, he confesses all his maladies one by one again, while he consciously reproduces inside himself all the tribulations and the despair he has felt in all such circumstances. And as many times he confesses anew, so many times deeper becomes his liberation from the passions of misery.
The mind does not anymore believe his frivolous sister, the logic, who has been always considering the conscious reproduction of misery as a useless soul distress, for she obviously forgot the elementary Ancient Greek saying which says that “repetition is the mother of all learning”. Now the mind has clearly realized that there is a huge difference between “being informed about” and “dominating” a piece of knowledge. Now he knows that the domination of the knowledge can be achieved only by the conscious repetition. Additionally, this kind of knowledge is for him necessary for the continuation of his course towards freedom. It is not an encyclopedic and indifferent knowledge like others. It is the knowledge about his very sweat, blood and tears he has poured on his blind struggle for happiness. Without this knowledge no light can be poured in him, he cannot find the joy, it is impossible.
He is not afraid any more; he is not scared to declare his weakness and does not worry about what the others will think, whether they will call him inefficient or weak. He does not care anymore if he will be upset when the pretences are removed and he sees in front of him written down inside the table he made the obvious deviation of his real self from his epitomes and ideals.
Maybe he has not yet been freed from the bitterness of the injustice, but he is free, at least, from these prejudices, which could breed in him only phobias and lies. Thus, he liberates all the past of lies he has told himself regarding which were all his years his feelings towards the acts of injustice which have been committed by others at his expense. With rejoicing he brings all lies to light “without fear and passion and without withholding anything” like the witnesses declare in front of the courts, being now himself an honest eyewitness, “earwitness” and “lifewitness” of his agonized inner story, and thus putting a liberating end to the martyr of non-admitting and non-confessing the chronic passions of his life.
And with the withdrawal of the ego’s masks, the glowing Truth, the ethereal and graceful beauty, appears naked. I can see her radiant face, which stares into my eyes with an innocent childish joy yet with deep wisdom. I do not hesitate, this one I do not dread like I dreaded up to now the sister women out of fear of being hurt by them. This one I trust completely. I am not afraid that she will misunderstand me due to the liberties I will take with her, because she radiates only love, and not at all egoism.
I come closer to her, enamored with the shine of her eyes and the clarity of her aura. I hug her with divine adoration and surrender together with her into a divine erotic game. Hugged we roll around in a free white field, without boundaries and blocks. I feel free with her, like I have never felt with any woman. A spontaneous laugh springs out of my chest, also from hers; the centers of our selves celebrate together.
It lasts, this innocent and cordial erotic game, without covert thoughts and fears; it is candid, pure and guileless, free from the anxiety for the eventual rejection and the fear of the partner’s loss, without any need for domination of the one upon the other. It lasts as long as needed, until I feel that I was healed, that I forgot, that everything was erased from my memory for good, all traumatic and anxious experiences which my mind has had from his previous relationships with various women. The gorgeous Truth exists there for me, not for herself. She does not break away from our game, she does not withdraw, before I assure her that yes, I was healed, she can go now, and whenever I call her again, I know, she will be here, always available for me.
I relieved and rejoiced, fell deeply in love, free from a burden which had made me fake, had transformed me into a hypocrite who was as stupid as to not admit that he had inside himself this ravishing maiden, Truth. And instead of looking for her he was looking for justice outside from himself with stubbornness and pain. Naive and eyeless, he panhandled from long-suffering and dreadful brothers for some understanding and compassion, goods which they did not know, did not have, and did not master, because, like my wise brother and teacher Jesus Christ said, “you cannot receive anything from whom does not have”.
 As nothing is random in the universe, so the association which emerges every time from the past and is resounded by the perfect resonator of the heart is also not random. It is always the one which represents better those threads of the structured mental web which were touched more recently and more intensely than the other ones.
 Here applies the same subsequent remark which I made at two points of the chapter “A4. The occasion and the true cause of the pain”.
 Even Jesus Christ I want to consider as my brother, because, as he himself said, he is the Son of God like I am. I decided to overcome the prejudice which I harbored in myself that I would be probably characterized as arrogant if I made this consideration. I have the need to feel Christ not as something distant and unattainable, but as a wise brother, who is always near me, inside me, and teaches me his Word, while I listen to Him with humility. For I am sure that also Christ felt this way while he talked to people quietly, with a low voice, without pompous phrases, without conceit, without stepping on a podium in order to be heard, simply and humbly.