The State of Freedom
A journey of Truth into the mind’s sanctuary
with the destination of inner Freedom.
Α12. Generalized feeling of deficiency and insecurity.
Two days later…
Yesterday evening the mind quested for filling his void through the recognition of a female listener who admired the wisdom of his writings. He received the recognition he was longing for, joyed, was complimented, climbed for a while on the tower of his arrogance, believed that the conquest of Truth was his own personal success and showed it off aloud and triumphantly.
Today he paid the price for his yesterday chasing after happiness inside the hug of the Siren called Affirmation of the manly ego. Having turned my back on the center of myself and with the naïve conviction that the ego is efficient and will manage all alone to attain joy in the world, he forgot the deep joy of the humble confession of his passions, and in this way he unwittingly turned down the graceful hug of Truth.
Hence, this morning in the office he was tensed by the first difficulty he met with, by the second even more and with the next ones he was deeply disappointed. An abstract feeling of deficiency and insecurity about the future obsessed the mind, because he was not alert enough to immediately confess his thoughts and the negative feelings which they triggered.
Now the mind bends again down to the center of himself and contemplates: “Which is this force which constantly pulls me outwards?” he asks himself. “Which is the force that yesterday evening riveted my attention on the bewitching Siren of the Affirmation of the manly ego and distracted me from the peaceful center of myself without that I realized it?
“I consider how I pounced without a second thought when I learned that there is a female listener who wants to listen to me and admire me. I observe now the feeling of deficiency which I was experiencing at that time inside the warm yet lonely place of the heart. It was nice to be there, in the heart, in the company of Truth, but I could not bear anymore – at least, this is what I thought – the absence of worldly joy offered by many women with tangible flesh and blood. Truth, the wise beauty, may be beautiful, I admit it, but all my years I have been used to chasing after the affirmation inside the world of the tangible women, not the immaterial ones which reside inside my heart!
“Exactly the same taste of deficiency I also felt today in the office, when the difficulties did not let me taste the joy of success which I was after inside the world.
“As a result, this one conviction and feeling of deficiency is hidden behind all my anxieties, now that I think about it deeper. Because, if I believed that there will always be goods available, I would not dread neediness. If I had strongly established inside myself the sufficiency of goods and conquests, as a diffused feeling in the body and unshakeable conviction in the mind, that is to say if I was constantly feeling content by myself, I would not dread anything, nor would I get angry with whomsoever prevents me from receiving joy from the world, nor would I envy those who seem to have succeeded to get more joy than I did and from more worldly sources. I would not feel inefficient and small in front of any incitation, I would not see anything with fear, and I would dare everything evenly. In my eyes would not be constantly drawn the anxiety, the sorrow, the uncertainty and the self-pity, all cankers permanently settled down there, clearly visible for an astute observer who can see them lying there even during my most happy moments.
“Moreover, if I was constantly experiencing the sufficiency deep inside myself, I would not get angry with myself whenever he deprives me from acquisitions and conquests by his timidness or his mistakes, because I would know that what he deprives me from I do not really need in order to be happy and that what I really need is permanent peace and not the temporary anger. Nor would I believe that happiness cannot exist out of the models of boldness and correct choices.
“In other words, if instead of deficiency and void I harbored in myself sufficiency and contentment, I would be free; I would be joyfully playing in the world free of joins and lashings, totally dedicated to every single moment, without expectation and fear about the future, free from nostalgia and guilt feelings about the past, considering as the only lasting reference point and unique source of deep joy the heart, Love, Truth, that is to say the center of myself. Great inner breadth, a diffused feeling of sufficiency, self-establishment, abundance and peace would prevail inside me and easily absorb the vibrations caused by any worldly incident, thus securing equanimity for myself”.
The compassionate mind is now happy, because he provided me with one more small step towards liberation from the bonds which I am tied with. He is now glad to see my body simmering down, after the tortures of many years’ anxieties. The assumed state of sufficiency and contentment, while I contemplate on it, has already started being transferred from the immaterial field of mind to all my cells, thus obtaining real existence in my material body.
In this way something very interesting has been proven: the mere question which the mind posed “how would my life be inside the world if I felt sufficient and content by myself?” was enough for me to get a first taste of the magnitude of absolute freedom, as the answers he gave to this question transfer me, even mentally, to a state of unprecedented carefreeness, brightness, confidence and openness.
At the same time, the detection that behind all the bonds which prey upon me is hidden one and the same problem (the prejudice and from the outset disposition that there is a generalized deficiency inside myself and in the whole world) gives me a reliable and certain guide, as well as an efficient antidote for every source of unhappiness.
Namely, this antidote is the possibility, which I shall always have every time that negative thoughts visit me, to remind myself that none of my mind’s wanderings are trustworthy, for the simple reason that all of them are untrue, as they owe their existence to this one prejudice which refers to the supposed generalized deficiency. This prejudice is the base, the foundation on which all others step in order to develop inside myself and distress me.
 which probably has its roots in the first difficulty of my life, which was the bodily pain I felt when I was born.