Α20. I fear to be innocent! (Well, I never!)
A few evenings later…
Maybe acquittal is a difficult step on the path which leads to freedom and for this reason it was as if my chair had nails on it in the last few days. The mind constantly found other supposedly urgent tasks and did not dedicate any time to focus on his work in order to take this important step.
Since some days ago the mind has known that this will be the next step. He has now realized that, because of ignorance and not correct guidance from my parents, my teachers and generally my environment, I learned to believe whatever I heard and saw, and also whatever I thought. He has realized that due to inexperience I took everything word for word and gave importance to words, objects, situations and problems of low significance.
The mind now understands that the immediate conclusion is that I am innocent due to ignorance and naivety and that he is also innocent for all the mistakes he committed, for all the distresses he has suffered and for all joy he has been deprived of due to his mistakes. However, he finds it difficult to admit his innocence, even though it has been proven now. The old habit of self-blame has occupied many of his lonesome hours in the past. What is he going to do with so much time, if he quits this habit? He does not bear the void, he has not learned to be flexible, he thinks that he will not be able to find another activity potent to fill up so effectively and so fully the inner void which scares him.
He remembers now the syndrome of institutionalism which he recently detected in his disposition and decides that he can get accustomed to filling his life with much more beautiful things; he does not need the self-flagellation to kill his time. The acquittal of himself will be a significant step towards Freedom, the beauty whom he craves for and who at the same time scares him.
In the world’s history many judges condemned the defendants who had been placed in front of them, out of fear not to perturb the established order, although they were aware of the injustice they committed. The examples are innumerable. Two of the most classical and blatant ones are the condemnation of Socrates and the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The mind com-prehends that the acquittal is the only way, if he wants not to commit the same injustice against himself. But he is afraid of the future, because every time he accused himself for his mistakes, the adrenaline and other similar hormones which the scientists know better, permeated all my cells, caused an unpleasant but unconsciously desired tension, a fury proof of life, a color which lightened up the gray, even if it was a canker which ate into my flesh.
 See chapter “The addiction” in the first part of the book (The route towards the decision).