The State of Freedom
A journey of Truth into the mind’s sanctuary
with the destination of inner Freedom.
Α8. I confess my weakness.
So, the mind admitted the pain associations and described them in detail, but the emotional relief has not come yet. Admitting them certainly brought a degree of calmness, but not the familiar sweet complacency of confession, because the mind who admits his weaknesses still has anger, pain and resistance in himself for them; he does not cease not even for a moment to want them to stop existing. As long as the mind is alone at the forefront, he remains anxious about the future, and the separativeness dominates me, instills me with negation for my weaknesses and fills me up with warfare and misery.
Therefore, I close my eyes, bow my head and let the mind subside, to abandon his impersonal kingdom and come a little closer to Earth, in order to move deep into my heart, behind the breastbone, where only the absolute darkness of the center of my self exists. The only sound which the mind can hear in there are the heartbeats, which pulse him rhythmically and vibrate him with force, a proof that down here, inside the warm physical body, there is lovely life, great and rife, far away and outside from the frenetic velocity of the wind-beaten tower of associations of the head, which the mind up to now considered as indispensable in order not to go mad by the boredom of emptiness. But now that the associations have been silenced as if by magic, he does not miss them in the least; on the contrary, he is glad that they have at last let him alone to quiet down.
The mind now experiences unprecedented joy, enthroned in his natural position, inside the primeval mother uterus, the heart, which with the magic of its pulsations just saved him from his futile tyrannical associations. And now, in the uncanny peacefulness of the emptiness, I can hear the mind, while he says in a slow and deep voice in the rhythm and the timbre of the heartbeats:
- I confess my incapability to accept neediness and poverty.
(pause for deepening) - I confess my dread for the hardship which I’ll go through, if I become poor.
(pause for deepening) - I confess my fright against remaining lonely and isolated, without friends and love.
(pause for deepening) - I confess my need to prove my value.
(pause for deepening) - I confess my lust for the woman and the gold.
(pause for deepening)
After each confession the mind held on for as long as necessary in order to focus his attention well inside the heart’s love. Only in this way the confession would not become a vain and cold letter, because the mind knows well that with the constant repetition he transmutes everything to a colorless and pointless routine, unless he takes care to give enough time to my body to also experience what he contemplates.
And with each “I confess” the heart pulsates, takes each single weakness inside herself, she digests it, absorbs it, and filters and warms up my pain about it. Because the mind is now deeply bowed and speaks from inside the heart and not standing at the high level of the head looking down. And because thanks to the activation of the heart I mellowed and quieted down, I ask the mind to carry on, in order for the mellowing to become more stable, permanent and solid. While asking him for this, I expect joy, quietness, liberation, which I have missed so much, as I was so many years plunged into the swirl of the countless agonies.
Now for the first time the mind feels moved, because now for the first time he sees how his dedicated work and his collaboration with me can practically fill me with peace and tranquility. Thus, he feels to be useful and beneficial. This pleases him a lot, because many times they have called him egocentric, stubborn, stickler, and he is very glad now to prove that he is not only such. Therefore, although he is tired, he eagerly responds and carries on, whereas last night, on the contrary, when he had not yet sympathized with me, he did not really care about my pain and drifted off to sleep early.
- I confess my incapability to accept failure.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that I want to be the winner always or otherwise I get sick
(pause for deepening) - I confess that I waste too much energy to hatch out pointless plans for the conquest of the ephemeral victory.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that under the strain of each defeat I fall back on escapism; I confess that I cannot tolerate the pain of humiliation and therefore often divert the battle.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that the injustice drowns me; I confess that my fixation with justice enslaves me.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that I am but a cockerel which can no way accept its humiliation.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that this brother beat me, humiliated me, devastated me, squeezed me like a worm; I confess that he managed to bring me to a state of despair and hopelessness by means of his merciless behavior.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that I blew a fuse. I wanted to slang him, to punch him in the nose, to grind him down, I confess it.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that I lost the game; I confess that I failed, my ego came apart, it broke into pieces.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that I got angry with myself for my incapability to accept my defeat calmly and without a sigh.
(pause for deepening) - I confess the far-fetched demand I posed to myself to prove by all means how calm he is and above human passions.
(pause for deepening) - I confess my dread for the dark and gloomy future of slavery under the yoke of my mind.
(pause for deepening) - I confess the despair which obsesses me whenever I think that finally I am going to fail in freeing myself from the web of the prejudices and the fixations.
(pause for deepening) - I confess that I want more than anything else in this world my liberation from the web of the prejudices and the fixations; I confess my anxiety to see that time come.
(pause for deepening)
Now that the confessions of my passions have settled me down and withal exhausted me, the mind takes me by the hand and takes me to bed, to sleep a quiet sleep with the feeling of satisfaction that tonight I made one more small step towards freedom. I feel my heart warm, in a rare harmony with the mind. She embraced him and prompted him to come into her, which he did. Following my request, she made him “heartfelt”, that is to say able to feel sympathy and paternal love like the heart does. Hence, he adopted me, took care of me, and gave me the breadcrumbs of peacefulness which I longed for. He did this by a movement which was very simple for him to do: by focusing for a while to the confession of my passions, which in this way, if nothing else, were simplified to me thus freeing me from the guilt I felt for them, as I saw them at last as mere parts of myself which exist beyond my will.
There is an obvious contrast between yesterday and today. Yesterday he asked me for permission to go to sleep because he could not endure anymore, whereas today it is he who takes me by the hand and with paternal affection takes me to bed, peaceful and relaxed after the valuable care he rendered me. Yesterday he was a forced servant, whereas today he is an affectionate friend, if not a father.
I am waiting with resignation to see what kind of inspiration will have the compassionate father mind tomorrow and in which way he will take me one step further on the path to freedom.