The State of Freedom
A journey of Truth into the mind’s sanctuary
with the destination of inner Freedom.
Β33. A letter to the worldly enchanting woman.
Now that the mind has learned to consign all causes for his unhappiness to the hands of his Creator, he decides to do the same – and even with special care – also for the most severe of his problems, which has been holding him bound for many years now and mires him every so often into grief and dismay. This time he prefers to write a letter of confession to the worldly enchanting woman, who has always been and still is the dominant object of his desire and his expectancy to prove his value and rejoice. He knows that she is likewise a creation of his Creator; hence, his confession to her equals to confession to Him. In order to help him proceed to this hard step of confession, I shall now make a brief introduction:
“I appeal to you, worldly enchanting woman, who – I confess to be an easy victim for you – have down to a fine art the enticement of my mind by your erect and hearty body and the proud look, the supple waist and the voluptuous breasts, the stunning fragrant smell, the sweet smile which triggers expectancy in me and turns me into your slave, the jiggling and free way of moving and the self-confidence you exude, and the certainty that all of us men are in your pocket. (By the way, have you ever thought of how many vehicular accidents you have inadvertently caused in innumerable distinctive ways?)
“Since I feel helpless in the face of your beauty and do not have the courage to fight as equal to equal in order to conquer you, I shall, at least, dare, in order to relieve myself and confess to you the maladies my mind has suffered by the occasion[1] of my interaction with you. I shall do this for two reasons. Firstly, because by the humiliation of confessing I anticipate to relieve, and then the inner switch will all of a sudden magically turn so that I get free from your whirlpool’s boundaries. Secondly, I shall make this confession in order for you to learn what kind of a hell you generate in me your male brother with your airs and graces, hoping that you will sympathize with me a bit and give me a brotherly embrace of a comrade and fellow-traveler, with affectionate care at last and not with lasciviousness and unquenchable thirst for one more victim which will once again temporarily satisfy your skittishness.
“But even if the latter will not occur (which I, anyhow, do not hope so much), the former is enough reason for me to tell you what follows, because my mind has tried everything so far and is unable to see any other outlet than to confront you face to face and confess to you in every detail the distress he has gone through occasioned by you, enchanting worldly woman. The simplest solutions are the best; this will be now proved once again, I hope”.
After this brief introduction that I made for my mind, he feels encouraged to take the floor himself and, because he can no more bear to remain silent and hold back his pain of so many years, he relinquishes the oppressive hopelessness so as to find the courage to utter these words of confession to the admired one whom he has always been looking at with awe and only from afar, and at whose presence he always lost his voice:
“O woman, beautiful and adored woman, you primeval object of the erotic passion of me and of all my male ancestors, you who have been our primary hope for worldly success and who have unwittingly tortured us so much by mercilessly using us to satisfy your vanity and your own need for worldly success, please listen to my confession here and now, so as to allow me to feel you as a sister and partner and stop viewing you as the unfamiliar vicious enemy whom I am scared to approach.
“So, be informed that I, like my father and all my male ancestors, harbor in my heart a huge sorrow which slyly lodges there and like a hyena slowly gnaws my flesh, parasitically comes along with every thought of mine and steals from me the joy for each moment of my life, thus undermining the power of my will and depriving me of the courage to finish off with zeal whatever I start. My life loses its color and its sense without me having conquered you. I merely tolerate it; I do not really enjoy it, as long as this sadness remains in my heart, because it generates a veil made from negative thoughts, a complex cobweb from which I am helpless to escape. Therefore, humiliated I confess its existence and deliver it over to you expecting by this deed the liberation to come. I am doing this, because I trust our Mother, the Female Principle[2] of the universe, the compassionate Divine Mother, who created you to torture[3] me, her son. Thus, I appeal to Her and beg Her:
– Divine Mother, take in your hands the pestering cobweb of defeatism, low self-esteem, timidness, self-blame, unre-deemed sorrow of a lifetime and all other banes which were born in my innocent and inexperienced soul by the inconsiderable egocentric playing of your beguiling daughter, the worldly woman. I confess that I brutally tried to use her for my advantage in order to satisfy my sex drive and – above all – my masculine vanity. Regardless how many times she accepted to serve me, I have not yet been able to forget those times – which were the majority – when your daughter remained an unattainable dream for me, thus making me believe that ‘I am too little’ for her, that ‘she is out of my league’, that she must certainly have found another guy much better than me, ‘like hell such a beautiful woman will care for a mediocre man like me’, and more such catchphrases of defeatism.
– I also confess that, every time that she accepted to take me in her lap to offer herself to me and serve me, I soon contemplated, due to my low self-esteem, that ‘she must certainly have a drawback, otherwise she would not approach such a mediocre man like me’ and that ‘she is definitely not in love with me, but she only wants me for she finds in me her father and not the fervent lover I would like to be’. By thinking so, I soon turned my interest to other daughters of yours who had not said ‘yes’ to me yet and, therefore, seemed to me more beautiful, remarkable and erotic, and I, the simpleton, thought – and I still believe this, the idiot – that, if I had conquered those ones, then my agony to prove my value as a man would have simmered down for good.
– I deliver over to You, Divine Mother, these and many more complex cobwebs I have woven. Place them wherever You like, do with them whatever You think is best, but please do not leave them anymore lying between us and force us apart. Because my life is black-and-white without Your lap and has no sense at all, unless my cobwebs relent and let me find the courage to come close to you. I am pleading you to tell Your daughters, the enchanting women, that I love them very much and apologize for having attempted to exploit them in the past and that I implore them to forgive me in advance in case my low self-esteem forces me to commit the same mistake again and again in the future. Please, also tell them that I thirst after their erotic-brotherly and comradely lap and that I wish to always find the courage to confess to them the valley I have gone through by the occasion of interacting with them.
“These I say to our Mother, enchanting worldly woman. You, too, listen to these, please, and feel me as your brother. Be informed that from my very first steps in my adolescence, and even earlier, I learned to be scared of you and that countless times I did not dare to tell you how strongly I long for you and, instead, settled for pathetic fantasies which could only cause me self-pity and self-shrinking and moved me away from the desired reality, which is your lap. Even when I got fed up with the fantasies and left them behind, the sorrow persisted, for it was deeply etched in my heart and did not allow the chest to take a full breath, so as to be inundated with joy and energy.
“In my environment there were no models of free men for me to imitate. Everywhere, both within and outside of my family, there were only men enslaved by their desires and their insatiable yearning for vindication of their masculine ego by you. I had no person to talk during my critical first years. Afterwards, regardless how many I found, it was too late, as I had already become an insecure and hungry beggar, and it took many years of inner struggle to realize only a part of my mistakes and reach the point where I am now, that is to say to, at least, dare to confess to you my passion for you in order to be healed.
“I fully understand that you have certainly experienced some other agonies which I cannot even imagine, since I have always been fixing my attention to the enchanting cheerful mask you were wearing and never pondered over which sorts of agonies and insecurity coerced you to wear it. I did not even know that you were wearing a mask; I was often told so, but I could not – and did not want to – believe that such a beauty could ever encompass falsehood. This is why I never had any space in me to provide you with my understanding and forgiveness for the pain you were causing to me, and, instead, I burned up out of fury by your cold heart and cruelty.
“I am now asking you to forgive me for my utilitarianism, regardless if you have been doing the same to me, since you also utilized me like I did. I sincerely repent, but I cannot promise that I shall not do it again, because my fear for your rejection is deeply engraved in me and very often steers me to the repetition of mistakes. What I can, at least, promise you – and also me – is that I will be now and then confessing my inner Truth to you, like brother to sister, no matter if I also desire you erotically, you enchanting worldly woman. This is the best I can do, at least for the time being, in the precocious stage of evolution I currently undergo. I am putting much hope in this move. I want to believe that it will gradually make our sick relationship healthy, because I do not bear anymore to have a sick relationship with you, enchanting worldly woman. I want us to become one, understand each other and become brother and sister fellow-travelers, regardless if we are lovers or not and whether we desire each other sexually or not. We are up to this.
“May this be my inner attitude from now on, even if you are not going to adopt it, because this attitude gives me joy. Whenever you adopt it, I will be happier. Whenever you do not adopt it, may I not let the sadness of rejection prejudice me negate-vely against my next approaching, because I have been culti-vating this prejudice of defeatism for a lifetime and stayed in my shell, thus having lost an unknown number of opportunities for comradely joy with you, my dearest one.
“Worldly enchanting woman, I love you more than anything else in the world, because I know that without love blossoming among us the whole world becomes gray; without erotic power the universe would not exist. My erotic love for you is the one and only source of power, love for life and clarity of spirit and can lead me to uttermost levels of bliss and unobstructed unity with the Divine Mother and all her creations. Only when the flow between us is unhindered can I rejoice in this world. That’s why I came close and confessed everything to you, for the start to occur in this important relationship, which constitutes the footing for all my other relationships. I humbly thank you for the honor you granted to me by listening to me”.[4]
[1] (you are only the occasion, the trigger; I never forget that the real cause for all my problems is always only inside me)
[2] Now it suddenly seems to my mind that the concept of a male personified God is false, because only the female imagination could ever create such a perfect universe with so many stunning beauties such as woman, forests, beaches, the sky with the stars, the human body and many more. This may be untrue, but what is important now is the emotional need of the mind to believe that he has been created by the affectionate and merciful Divine Mother and not by a rigid male God. So, why not do this favor for him? Besides, he has been trained to view women with admiration and awe, as creatures superior to him, which do not get attached to the infertile logic like men do. On the contrary, they are able to become aware of subtle kinds of energy and regenerate them, thus creating enviable works, which are unachievable for the men’s mind, full of poetry, magic and beauty. Regarding the great male artists (painters, musicians, stage managers and other creators), the mind now believes that they were simply able to adopt the female way of thinking and manifest it with accuracy and attention to detail better than women, because women are normally not capable to analyze things so much like men can.
[3] This is an egocentric subjective way of viewing reality, adopted by a wounded creature who thinks that everything in the universe occurs either for his benefit or for his harm. Nonetheless, this view may be partially true, according to some ancient scriptures of various religions and philosophies.
[4] Subsequent remark, five years later: I had not read this text since a long time ago, and now I realize with pleasure that the power of confession was totally confirmed: this pain has been nearly eradicated. I live free from it now. The same applies for many of the distresses I confessed in this book. (However, independently from this fact, I confess that I hasted to write down this very remark, in order to restore my esteem in the eyes of the reader, out of fear that it might have been damaged due to the aforementioned confessions.)