Β34. Hypocritical ulterior motives due to laziness.
Having finished his redeeming confession and overwhelmed by the joy of the humiliation of his ego, the mind now also confesses his innermost anticipation to have his uttered humble word admired by beautiful bewitching women, who, by hearing it, will fall in love with him and desire to take him inside them and be erotically vibrated by his body. He admits that it is hard for him to expel this hypocritical ulterior motive. He is not yet able to sacrifice it totally, because he is still hungry. He has not yet been totally convinced that he will ever feel fully satiated and complete by himself without first receiving some more times this – now confessed – vain vindication of his masculine ego which he has been desperately longing for since he can remember himself, since much before he entered adolescence.
He still harbors this futile hope, as though the old pain of the rejection he has received in his life from various fellow beings, either male or female, could ever be erased by the adoration and keen desire of the worldly beauties for his love. He still fantasizes that his yearning for recognition within this world as well as his ancestors’ yearning can vanish at once in this particular way. He knows, of course, that this is a mere utopia, but he cannot yet relinquish it totally. He still harbors a hope somewhere deep inside him that this achievement will redeem him, even if the contrary has been repeatedly proven in the past. “I did not manage to conquer the really beautiful, free and hearty ones”, he mulls, “and this is the reason why I was not ultimately redeemed by my numerous old conquests”.
He does not seem to have been totally convinced yet that, as soon as he conquers all sisters-women and gets to know them from closer, he will stop admiring them and they are going to seem to him less “beautiful, free and hearty” than they initially seem to his eyes which are dazzled by anticipation. He persists in keeping his doubt, although all indications dictate him the opposite, obviously because he cannot yet quit the expectation that the perfect woman can be found and under-take instead of him the difficult issue of his unburdening of the miserable cobwebs he has woven on his own during the years of the old misery. It is all evident that the mind does not want yet to sacrifice his old laziness nor is he prepared to confess the underlying fears, and therefore he still hopes that he is going to lean all his weight into one woman and that he will not need to work with vigor and courage to attain his covetable release.
Now he forgives himself for the hypocrisy he detected while writing the above presented letter to the worldly enchanting woman. He justifies this hypocrisy and stops to loathsomely consider it as dishonest and slimy. He now views it with paternal affection and understanding. He acknowledges that it was due to the old grief which has been inherited from his ancestors and has marked his life by having deprived him from the joy of self-confidence by making him feel mediocre and frightened against women, career, human relationships and many other things and by forcing him to experience a feeling of deficiency and defeatism in all manifestations of life.
Now he sets down at the sacred feet of his beloved Divine Mother both the grief and the hypocritical behavior to which he has been steered by the grief numerous times in the past. He receives from Her an unconditioned forgiveness, and so he gets liberated from the guilt feeling for his hypocrisy. He also receives Her boundless Love and for the first time sees some hope to get rid of the grief thanks to her imaginable lap, even if his crazy fantasy does not come true that her daughters, the beauties of the whole world, will fall on her knees burning from passion to beg him to become their lover and allow them to devote themselves to him for a lifetime.
Ultimately, he receives from the Divine Mother the divine understanding and forgiveness for his laziness, which still makes him hope that he can attain redemption through the feeling of achievement which he can experience by the love of a worldly enchanting woman. “Since my Creator forgives me, I can also stop blaming myself for my laziness”, he ponders and calms down. In this positive atmosphere of calmness his today’s confession will gradually render its fruits, which will be but a minimal change in my mind’s consciousness, yet sufficiently satisfactory as the result for the spiritual struggle of one single day.
 “Numerous”: This word has been pretentiously placed by the mind allegedly in the flow of speech, in a futile as well as conceited attempt to sugarcoat the pill, so as to console himself with the idea that, at least, he conquered many women, even if not the most magnificent ones, but also in order to not have the reading public think that he has not achieved anything at all regarding the issue of relationships with women. He now confesses his cheap trick, smiles with understanding for his naivety and quiets down.
 “Struggle”: The choice of this word manifests evidently once again the deeply rooted conviction of the mind that everything in this world is difficult and takes toil to be accomplished. Nonetheless, I keep this word, because it has also a positive sense: I like struggling and advancing step by step a project I have undertaken. Both the struggle itself and its result excite me.