Β9. For what purpose have I come to this life?
“Anyway, for what purpose have I come to this life?” contemplates the wind-beaten mind. “For the wind of expec-tancy and anxiety to beat me while I struggle to achieve all goals which I have been trained to set thinking that I will become happy by their fulfillment? Or should I rather ponder over the true expectations which my soul had from this earthly life before it came to this world? If I find the answer to this crucial question, I will only need to remind myself from time to time the real reason why I am here, so as to avoid departures and vain consumption of energy in hassles and troubles which are totally irrelevant to my real destination.
“Certainly there must have been a very important reason for my soul to decide to leave the unshaken serenity of its immaterial world and come into the hell of this material world, where there are thousands of reasons for somebody to be unhappy. It is obvious that it wanted to accomplish something very significant here; otherwise, it would never have made such a stupid move as to leave the paradise for a trivial reason, out of mere caprice. My soul is not reasonless, no soul is such. At least, as long as they stay unincarnated, all souls have knowledge and prudency and surely do not perpetrate acts out of senseless sudden impulse, since they do not have a body to drive them crazy by its ceaseless demands. As a result, it is worth to investigate its motive, that is to say the healthy and judicious reason which prompted it to launch itself into this world with the numerous reasons for unhappiness.
“One thing is certain: that my soul knew neither my parents nor my friends and other acquaintances nor any of the brothers with whom I ‘happened’ to coincide in the same space and time in this world. Hence, my soul obviously did not decide to incarnate itself into my current form in order to make this form likeable and approvable to all these people, since, moreover, not even my very form had then existed yet. It is far more than certain that my soul was not interested to make likeable something which had not yet come to existence – and with which, of course, it had not identified itself yet – to some people whom it did not know or who also had not even come to existence yet. The immediate conclusion is that I have been vainly struggling for a lifetime to extract appreciation and approval from people, since it is obvious that the reason why I came to this life was not nearly the desire of my soul to be loved, recognized and admired for ‘my beautiful appearance and my excellent spirit’ by all these unknown brothers. I keep this in mind.
“Furthermore, in the place where the soul resided at that time, it had no body; hence it also had no bodily needs. It was not anxious about food, shelter and clothing, nor did it need a car to move about. It also did not need any break, since in the immaterial world of paradise the break is an inexistent notion. Break from the paradise to go where? To more paradise? Consequently, it also had no need of money or any other of the worldly goods, which the mere idea that I might lose them fills me up with feelings of insecurity. Thus, it is self-evident that also at this point I had misjudged all these years and that my anxiety was all useless.
“Also the fear of the rejection from the opposite sex did not exist for my bodiless soul, not so much because it did not have a body which would need the sexual contact, but rather because, by not having a body, my soul and all brotherly souls of the paradise had the unlimited capability to be spread out in space and penetrate one into the other, without fear and passion, devoid of qualms and annoyances, free from the common loads of demands from both sides for future ensuring of various kinds after the copulation, and without the insatiable need for continuous acceptance from the opposite sex, which we humans with form experience here on Earth, since I cannot imagine that there can be any higher degree of acceptance than to have the unending right to penetrate into the person you love. In brief, I am coming to the conclusion, additionally to my previous realizations, that my soul also did not miss the act of making love, since its very nature was love itself. As a result it is certain that it did not descend on Earth in order to enjoy making love, which is something that since I was a boy I was taught to consider as the main essence of life and the greatest of all delights. Apart from this, I was also taught to believe that without the acceptance from the opposite sex one cannot prove one’s value and hence is a worthless and piti-able wretch.
“But, then, what was my soul missing which made it take this step to enter the suffocatingly tight womb of my mother, if everything was really perfect and profusely given where it resided and there was no deprivation of anything? For some unknown reason, which only the Creator of the universe is aware of, it was necessary, as it seems, for my soul to be trained, in order to learn how to feel free and happy, not only when the gifts of freedom and happiness are freely given to it by its very immaterial nature, but also when its nature is confined in a cage made from flesh and mind where it undergoes thousands of either real or obtained needs and troubles.
“I have no other explanation for this than the following: my nature came to this tough world not due to masochism but because it was really necessary – and it wanted this, as well – to come through the hell, in order to become truly liberated, so that nobody and nothing will be able to detach it from the very quintessence of its existence anymore, which is Freedom. To wit, what my soul wanted was not to find happiness, as it already had this, but to achieve it ‘by its own sword’ – this is a Greek expression meaning ‘using its own power or faculty’; it is an earthly and warlike expression, which surely does not match at all to the ethereal and peaceful way in which my immaterial soul used to feel and think at that time. Anyhow, the point is for me to understand that my soul came here on this difficult and adverse Earth, because it was not satisfied with a gifted and not established happiness without deserving it, for such an unsubstantiated happiness is nothing but facetious, as it is not based upon deep wisdom and knowledge and hence is not convincing and not transferable to my sister souls.
“And because the nature of my soul is identical to the nature of the universe’s Creator, which is Love, my soul did not like to remain free and happy in a barren and futile way. It wanted to achieve deep cognizance of its happiness and freedom, so as to be able to sow all these precious goods into all sister souls of the world and share them with them, in order for its life to become filled up with joy and essence. As a result, exactly for the sake of this very cognizance came my soul to the material world, as I tend to believe, in order to achieve it by going through the pains of the confined body and the grotesque anxieties of the mind, in order to establish its freedom deeply and become capable to share it better with all its brothers. Its ultimate goal was to identify its existence with its one and only true nature, the one which bore it and in which it lives eternally, which is but Love, the one and only primeval operative event and cohering essence of the whole universe”.
This is what the mind concluded. Consequently, he found that the knowledge is achievable merely through the various experiences, which bring on saturation after some time. Then, the light of realization comes to light somewhere inside him. Afterwards, more experiences follow, which also lead to the next cognizance, and so on. The saturation of the delusion and the realization of the truth always come on time. However, you never know a priori which exactly will this time be, because you are not one to know how deep the conviction of the delusion has become for you.
“As a result, my mission is just to exist”, figures out the mind now relieved, “and, while I exist, I occupy space and cause motion, registrations and impressions to myself as well as to my brothers, and all these are for all of us experiences with the ultimate goal of knowledge, which leads to the emergence of inner freedom. Hence, all these years, only unfairly I accused myself for his timidness and slothfulness which kept me stuck to the same things all the time, since the explanation was very simply that the saturation point from the Sirens which appealed to me had not yet befallen.
“Even now some of the Sirens have not ceased to bewitch me and, not rarely, they manage to entice me. I only need to observe this procedure and wait until the saturation befalls in me for them, too. In between, I can be careful not to overdo it and dive into their arms for more time than I can stand to stay away from the center of myself without becoming sick. If I do so, I will avoid useless waste as well as plunging into the habit of grief, which is a very good cause of a miserable future. For, the unnecessary postponement of liberation equals to need-less misery, which can be avoided with only little attention”.
 Subsequent note: This is one more earthly and warlike expression which, like the previous one, is incongruous to the ethereal and peaceful way in which my immaterial soul used to feel and think at that time. My mind obviously wrote it under the influence of the compelling way of thinking which he has adopted here on this “difficult and adverse” Earth. I removed this inappropriate and mismatched expression during the final revision of the text and replaced it with the peaceful and bloodless expression “gifted and not established”.